posted by Weird Menace in Off Topic

Weird Menace's List of Things Puny Earthlings Have to Live For

December 28, 2012

1. The self-destruction of liberals. Who hasn’t derived butt-loads of glee from witnessing the collapse of the nanny states of Spain and Greece? Not as much adrenaline-fueled fun as seeing the Occupiers pepper-sprayed, but ultimately more satisfying, and a better use of time than watching professional sports. There’s no shame in enjoying the misfortunes that idiots bring down upon themselves: quite the opposite, in fact. Because pain is the only thing that can possibly motivate or enlighten the willfully ignorant, it’s no different than auditing a class in economics or welding—it’s a chance to see the educational process at work.

2. The suffering of the stupid. I can never get enough of human suffering, but why is it that the humans who most defend the theory of evolution are the same ideologues who end up inflicting the most suffering upon the stupid? Think taxing the rich is going to make you wealthier? Think inhibiting freedoms is going to make you safer? Think bigger government will make the world a better place? Then how fast you learn otherwise will prove or disprove your flawed concepts of humanoid origins.

3. Kittens. Fried, broiled or roasted, you can’t go wrong with cute, fluffy li’l kittens. I like ‘em broasted!

4. The disillusion of Obamaphiles. Once all the little millennials begin to see how completely dunderheaded they’ve become, their idols will begin to topple like bowling pins. Obama will become their generation’s Nixon; Chelsea Lately will become their generation’s Martha Raye, and Cee Lo Green their Liberace. They will begin dressing ironically like their earlier selves simply in order to fake having a personality.

5. Homemade knit caps. Because the impoverished, over-insured millennials will still want something to donate to the needy.

6. Gina Gershon.

7. Jimmy Buffett music.

8. The resurgence of Comedic Racism. It’ll give the PC ninnies something to rage about while bicycling between their part-time jobs.

9. Goobers and Raisinets. The unions will never be able to stop the production of raisins, peanuts or chocolate-flavored wax.

10. Led Zeppelin music. We may not care that much for Muslims, but they’ll never take our Kashmir.

11. Squirrels. There will be more, and there will be a good supply of ammo to shoot into them.

12. Jell-O. You’ll still be able to make those mouth-watering gelatin desserts.

13. Jazz flute.

14. Athens. So long as there are elections, political officials, activists, females and the male-type-beings they favor, there will be things to ridicule about Athens.

15. Creatures from outer space. We made you, we watch you, and yet somehow we allow you to propagate. Never accuse us of having no sense of the absurd.

16. Yesterday’s culture. It’s the only true culture you’ll ever have.

17. Cockroaches. When humanity’s time is over, the roaches will still be able to use all those L.E.E.D.-certified structures and vegan mulch piles.

18. Bull’s eyes. So long as idiots remain in the majority, you may not always have guns but you will never lack for verbal targets.

19. Hominy.

20. Weirdos.

Replies- Please Read The Terms of Service Before Posting:


Find us on Facebook & Twitter

Find us on Facebook Find us on Twitter


  • Andrew

    Blog: Watching movies by myself

    Summary:  I'm not saying it's lonely to be a movie critic, but we often find ourselves seated alone in an empty theatre when we're watching new stuff. I know people who say they won't go see anything unless they have at least one other person to go with, but I've always enjoyed having the place to myself. I'm not saying it's lonely to be a movie critic, but we often find ourselves seated alone in an empty theatre when we're watching new stuff. I know people who say they w