To acknowledge the beneficent Santa Claus-like nature of the U.S. taxpayer toward the mechanically-enabled unmotivated, I’m organizing my first annual scooter chair rally to benefit remedial math training for your nation’s elected lawmakers and leaders.

The rally, befitting its participation, will begin and end at City Hall on College Ave. The route will proceed in a northwesterly fashion down Washington St, and onto Prince Ave. The scooters will loop around the Krystal restaurant drive-thru before recommencing down Prince, stopping in front of the Pizza Hut before crossing the street. Again proceeding northwest, the rally will turn in the parking lot of the Social Security Administration building, where participants may retrieve any non-taxpayer benefits they have coming to them, then returning again briefly to Prince Ave. and then into the parking lot of J’s Bottle Shop. Scooter jockeys may elect to pause for refreshment or stock up for the month at J’s before rejoining the race for glory.

Hastening themselves once more down Prince Ave. toward downtown, the race route proceeds on the north side of the street to Pulaski St. and before the viewing stand in front of the Jessie B. Denney Towers, where the resident retirees may wave to their friends and watch the recipients of their national welfare programs drain their chair batteries up the hill towards College Ave.

Turning left on College, the route then loops around the driveways and parking lots of Bethel Homes, where any amount of illicit stimulants may be provided by urban entrepreneurial vendors, and will then continue down College Ave. toward the finish line at City Hall.

Participation will be limited to taxpayer-funded scooter chair and power chair recipients only, and is not open to those who may have afforded their own by not contributing their fair share to the federal government. The grand prize will be a 93-inch high-definition flat-screen television donated by the Athens Housing Authority. Runner-up prizes will include Wal-Mart gift certificates donated by Occupy Athens Inc.