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posted by Weird Menace in Off Topic

THE TWELVE RAYS OF X-MASS

December 15, 2012

X-MASS erupts each year like all existence erupting from the explosion of nothing; dividing and splintering into sparkling facets of celebration like stability in the hands of politicians; like SPLOST funds in the hands of Commissioners; like cranberry sauce sprayed through the gapped teeth of Esther Rolle.

It epitomizes the unknown quantity, designated “x,” which demarcates the concluding of the lunar calendar in its advent. This annual rotation is symbolized by the color wheel which illuminates the sacred aluminum tree replicas that humans erect for the season, which itself is symbolic of the alien flying craft known colloquially as flying saucers.

These facets, like rays from our beam blasters, emanate in divisions of twelve, giving rise to the popular carol entitled “The Twelve Rays of X-MASS.” The song popularizes the human institution of serial monogamy, which the songwriter identifies within each stanza as “my true love,” romantically assigning importance to each day’s new lover and their increasingly extravagant gifts. For the purpose of this examination, however, we will confine our reveries to the manifestations of this cosmic occurrence…

THE ADORATION OF THE COLONEL

The great costumed X-MASS benefactor is none other than Colonel Harland Sanders, who brings gifts of fried chicken, cream cheese and some variation on a mayonnaise-based salad, in addition to toys for the Earth younglings. The Christian collection of holy scriptures known as the Bible quotes Sanders as famously saying, “Life as I have known it has been ‘Finger Lickin’ Good,” and many Christians have historically engaged in licking the fingers of plantation owners and homeless strangers as an homage to their beloved Saint Sanders. This occasionally occurs upon his illegal entry into homes through the chimney, whereupon Saint Sanders inserts gifts into the unwashed hosiery of young children.

THE PACKING OF THE JOWLS

Overweight, unfertile female celebrants, traditionally attired in tasteless, vulgar “X-MASS sweaters” can frequently be seen packing their slavering, quivering jowls with all manner of foodstuffs in much the same way that squirrels pack away nuts for later storage. Human males also engage in this activity, though more often in shorter bursts, as they frequently fall asleep in the act, particularly if listening to or watching sporting events on television. The females customarily accompany their gluttony with complaints about their fatigue, back aches and thyroid glands.

THE SACRIFICIAL DWARF

The actual or mock sacrifice of misfits and outcasts has become a popular practice associated with the holiday, i.e. the blaspheming Jew, the naked goat, the irreverent dwarf, the reasoning liberal, and the homosexual dentist.

The human psychology evidently requires an exclusion to the coming-together of family and friends, and derives a sick pleasure from the castigation and vilification of those who embody qualities atypical of the mob. They then dedicate Holy Days to the celebration of these deeds, in addition to any unlikely stories or ignominious circumstances of their birth (“virgin birth,” “immaculate conception,” etc.). These sacrifices benefit the commonality of the human experience and strengthen the bonds between strangers in much the same fashion as booing the errant field goal kicker.

THE DONNING OF THE HOODIE FOOTIE HUGGIES

Many adult humans revert to such childhood habits as diaper-wearing, nose-picking and wearing humiliating and/or clumsy pajamas during this sacred season. Some adult human males actually engage in the playing of video games while simultaneously neglecting their own basic grooming and hygiene.

THE MINGLING OF THE GROTESQUERIES

In the acquisition of useless objects (see below), humans commonly and benevolently commingle with the more exotic and/or grotesque embodiments of their species. This also greatly assists in the process of The Exchanging of Germs (see below).

THE EXALTATION OF THE PEDOPHILES

Curiously, the religious organization of pedophile priests has their own pageantry in celebration of this holiday, which frequently features a replica panorama invariably centered around an unclothed or partially-clothed infant mannikin. The human capacity for patient toleration of the intolerable is manifestly on display in this instance.

THE DINOSAURS’ NATIVITY

To acknowledge the Creation of All Life and Matter in Seven Days, the dinosaurs are given their own religious role in these celebrations, as are monkeys, religious zombies and feral cats.

THE CONDEMNATION OF THE VEGANS

Those who deviate from normal food consumption practices (and who frequently seek to impose their deviations upon others) are communally damned in the unfortunate event of ill-advised food gifts. Deviant food consumption practices are vilified throughout the universes as equally distasteful as X-MASS haiku recitations and clown choirs.

THE UNWRAPPING OF THE FLOOZIES

Religious holidays are always an appropriate outlet for lust and fornication, and fecundity is an ever-present subtext in Earth X-MASS parties. Holiday orgies are rumored to frequently involve figgy puddings. “Oh, the pudding!”

THE EXCHANGING OF GERMS

Brotherly love and human compassion are exhibited in this seasonal sharing of viruses, diseases and germs between family, friends and strangers, and X-MASS is the season of sharing.

THE BLESSING OF USELESS OBJECTS

Gifts are normally exchanged in all variations of this holiday, and run the gamut from Kwanzaa’s feed-bag of raw oats to gaily-striped suction devices. It is common practice to express gratitude for such bestowals, no matter how undesirable, inappropriate or unnecessary the gift may be. These small acts of deception are seen as honoring the holiday ideals of Peace, Love and Truth.

THE PERVERSION OF ORIGINS

It is common among some human subgroups to deviate from the societal norm in a desperate quest for a separate identity, and gives rise at this time of year to laudable (if ludicrous) efforts such as Kwanzaa, the Wiccan Yule, the Hebraic Chanukah, Festivus, cannibal head-shrinkings and so on. Some well-meaning celebrants try to combine them together in much the same fashion as a Jell-O mold…

…to predictable results. It is a sad statement on the bizarre human compulsion to “be nice.”

Here, then, is my short encapsulation of this human phenomenon as I have witnessed it from on high. I trust that any errors shall be identified and discussed in the commentary which follows, and I welcome the opportunity for enlightenment. I hope this document will be of aid to those of my race and office who forthwith serve in this, our capacity as Earth Menace.

A MERRY, MERRY X-MASS TO SOME!

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