posted by jlscott in Lifestyle


March 21, 2011

No one ever seems to dwell on the the character of the people who founded our nation, so I have sliced a small piece out of the demographic pie chart to take along as we head off to school and work this Monday morning.:


Scenario: Planning to hunt in the afternoon; Jack walks to school carrying his Fowling Piece at his side.
1776: Mr. Thrashwell, the School Master, comes over, looks at Jack’s firelock, reaches over the fireplace and gets his Pennsylvania Rifle to show Jack. He demonstrates the superiority of the rifling by shooting a wolf from ¼ mile distant.
2011: School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Jonathan and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1776: A crowd gathers. Whiskey bottles and wagers exchange hands. A negro strikes up a lively air on his banjo, dogs bark, irate geese honk and girls giggle. The Right Reverend. Jeddediah Orne shows up, grabs both boys by the neck and smashes their heads together until they are docile. Jonathan and Mark shake hands and vow to assault only Excisemen and Lobsterbacks.
2011: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Jonathan and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Jonathan started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1776: Mr. Thrashwell beats Jeffrey soundly with a barrel stave. Though he walks with a pronounced limp for a couple of months, he does not disrupt class again.
2011: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: William breaks a neighbor’s window. His Father gives him a whipping with a razor strop and makes him spend the summer working to replace the window.
1776: William is more careful where he aims next time, grows up normal, attends university, becomes rich and Lord Mayor of Providence Plantation.
2011: William’s Father is arrested for child abuse. William removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells William’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Father goes to prison. William’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark is afflicted with a tooth-ache. He takes a half-pint of Tincture of Laudanum to school.
1776: Mark tells Mr. Thrashwell who calls Mr. Sanguinous the Barber. He removes the offending appendage with his Tooth-Key and some fireplace tongs. Mark thanks Mr. Thrashwell and Mr. Sanguinous then shares his Laudanum with them over small beer and bowls of Indian Tobacco.
2011: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Home searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Joaquin cannot speak English.
1776: Joaquin’s Father hires Mr. Thrashwell and his barrel stave to insure Joaquin learns English properly. Joaquin goes to college, grows rich and becomes a Colonel of Militia. President Jefferson appoints him Military Governor of the new Florida Territory.
2011: Joaquin’s cause is taken up by the state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Joaquin’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Joaquin given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Ezekiel distills Oil of Vitriol and Spirits of Wine. He places the resulting oleum dulce vitrioli in an India Gum bulb, douses and ignites a hornets nest.
1776: Hornets die.
2011: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Ezekiel charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Ezekiel’s Father arrested under the controlled substances act, goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnathan is stabbed while squabbling with authorities. He is found crying by his school‘s charwoman, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1776: Someone calls Mr. Sanguinous who bleeds Jonathan, applies a poultice of Fomentated Triticeae Secale to the wound and gives him a half-pint of Tincture of Laudanum to make him stop screaming. Within six weeks or so he is recovered and back on the street throwing horse apples at Lobsterbacks.
2011: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnathan is arrested; undergoes 5 years of therapy. Johnathan’s parents sue the school for negligence and the janitor for emotional trauma and win both cases. Mary, jobless and indebted, commits suicide by jumping off of a tall building. When she lands, she hits a car and also damages a potted plant. The car’s owner and the plant’s owner sue Mary’s estate for destruction of property. They both win.

(Thanks and kudos to Jamie Frater)

Replies- Please Read The Terms of Service Before Posting:


Find us on Facebook & Twitter

Find us on Facebook Find us on Twitter


  • Andrew

    Blog: Watching movies by myself

    Summary:  I'm not saying it's lonely to be a movie critic, but we often find ourselves seated alone in an empty theatre when we're watching new stuff. I know people who say they won't go see anything unless they have at least one other person to go with, but I've always enjoyed having the place to myself. I'm not saying it's lonely to be a movie critic, but we often find ourselves seated alone in an empty theatre when we're watching new stuff. I know people who say they won't go see anything unless they have at least one other person to go with, but I've always enjoyed having the place to myself. read more

  • Jim

    No cartoons on racism

    As you might imagine, the vast majority of the editorial cartoons available these days for publication through the syndicate which supplies cartoons to the Athens Banner-Herald/OnlineAthens are addressing the situation in Ferguson, Mo., where the fatal shooting of a black teen by a white police officer has touched off a number of demonstrations -- some peaceful, but many not at all peaceful, with tear gas fired by police officers and gunshots fired by some protester. read more

see more blogs